derelict house
Renovation required? Estate agents have their own turn of phrase. Photograph: David Sillitoe for the Guardian

The “bijou”’ home that’s a tiny box room; the house “moments from beautiful open spaces” that is actually on a six-lane motorway; the coastal apartment with “sea glimpses” – if you stand on the balcony and have an extremely long neck.

Britain’s estate agents have always been creative in their language, undeterred by the (recently repealed) 1991 Property Misdescriptions Act. But now they’ve come clean, revealing the real meaning behind the phrases common on almost every estate agent’s particulars.

A group of agents told website Gocompare about their favourite misdescriptions – on condition of complete anonymity, of course – and in the true style of the property profession we have embroidered them a bit ourselves. Here’s what they said.

Reduced for a quick sale It’s been on the market for ages, it was overpriced and nobody has been to see it.

Cash buyers only Don’t even think about seeking a mortgage. No bank in its right mind would lend on this.

Easily maintained garden Concrete paving as far as the eye can see.

Full of history Try to ignore the fact that the plumbing and electricity don’t work.

No onward chain Someone died there.

No photo available Once we put the pictures up on Rightmove absolutely nobody will come and view it.

Sought-after area The greasy caff has been replaced by one selling mochachinos, so we added £30k on to the price.

Internal viewing recommended The outside looks like something Stig of the Dump would reject.

Will allow the motorist quick and easy access There’s a major road junction right outside the property.

Perfect for a first-time buyer We know you can’t afford to be choosy.

Compact Glorified cupboard. Can be used as substitute for “bijou’” or “cosy”.

Convenient for transport links The tube will start rattling past your bedroom window at 5.30am.

Period property Semi-derelict and possibly haunted.

Put your own stamp on it The last buyers abandoned it half-built.

Renovation required Watch your money magically disappear.

Quirky Nothing matches and the doors are 4ft high.

Competitively priced It’s a tatty old place and has never been updated so we’ve had to chop a bit off the price.

Potential for good rental income No buyer in their right mind would actually live there.

Established residential neighbourhood The houses on the other side of the road are nice. This one isn’t.

In the same family ownership for many years Get ready for swirly carpets and an avocado bathroom suite.

Stunning/spectacular Stunningly and spectacularly average.

Charming The rooms are weeny but they have had a coat of Farrow & Ball.

Fifteenth floor apartment with brilliant views It’s ex-council and no lender will touch it.

But if you’re disposed to thinking “why is the lying liar lying to me” as soon as an estate agent opens his or her mouth, there is something worse. It’s when a letting agent starts talking:

Fully furnished There is an Ikea nearby and the landlord realised there are tax breaks for wear and tear.

Part furnished The last tenants couldn’t get their sofa out.

Unfurnished If we put a bed in it you’d realise how little space there is.

Mezzanine sleeping area Bunk beds.

Would suit students You are lambs to the slaughter.

May attract extra fees Will definitely attract extra fees.

Close to amenities It’s above an all-night kebab shop.

Pets allowed It really is an absolute toilet and your dog/cat/croc couldn’t make it any worse.

But this list is far from exhaustive. Add your favourites below.

Source: http://www.theguardian.com/money/blog/2014/oct/10/what-letting-estate-agents-mean-home